Of Privies and the Privy Monster

Where to go when you need to go!

Or… Of Privies and Privy Monsters

If you are planning on making your first visit to a Renaissance Festival – feeling the need to bust your Ren Faire Virgin cherry – you need to understand the subject of privies and the privy monster.

The Privy
privviesThere are very few faires that have contemporary facilities.  Yes, Rennies and would-be-Rennies, you will be using a porta-pottie or as they are known at almost every faire:  the privy.  This is very important if this is your first trip to the faire.  When you look at the faire map as you arrive, please take note of the areas marked privy.  Throughout the day as you drink glass after glass of mead, and eat lots of shepard’s pie, you will find that you are in need of the privy.

Now, most privies at the faire are better then your average porta-john.  They will have a section for men and women, all the privies lock and they will have plenty of hand sanitizer so that you can make sure you are ready for your next adventure at the festival.  The larger faires have several privy areas so that you are never walking very far to find a rest area during your day of renaissancey activities and festivities.

A Note about Privies and Costumes
bogmonsterThere is one drawback to going to the faire in costume.  Using the privy in garb is difficult.  I always feel like I need an extra privy to disrobe in before I go to the actual privy (I am advocating nuding up before using the privy, it would be easier).  The amount of clothes that you have on when you are in costume is less then conducive for the use of a porta-privy.  In full pirate regalia, it does take several minutes inside the privy to get to the point of using the facilities and that is just for me, a lowly pirate – I can only imagine what you ladies go through.   Luckily, there are plenty of hooks in most of these privies on which to hang:  hats, belts, shashes, baldrics, swords, etc.

I repeat, CANNOT imagine what you ladies go through.  Thank God there is no man-corset.

Of Privy Monsters
A quick note for the children, beware the Privy Monster.  This is the same idea as a bog monster if you prefer the UK slang.  Yes, Kiddies, the Privy Monster is alive and well.  You have to keep an eye out when you go to the loo at the Ren Faire.   Go in packs, make sure that you have your privy-buddy and make it quick.  If you are a believer that a good incantation might help, here are the words from one of Scotland’s own, Billy Connolly:

My name’s Shug McGlumpher and I live up this close.
I’ll tell ye a story. I promise it’s nae boast.
During the power cut, I saw a big ghost.
Nobody knows that he’s there.

Oh dear, what can the matter be?
I’m scairt tae go to the lavat’ry.
I’ve no been since two weeks last Saturday.
I know he’s hidin’ in there!

He’d two big red eyes. On his head was a dent, man;
Big hairy horns, and his neck was all bent, man.
My mommy says he sounds just like the rent man,
But I know he’s hiding in there.

Oh dear, what can the matter be?
I’m scairt tae go tae the lavat’ry.
I’ve no been since two weeks last Saturday.
I know he’s hidin’ in there!

So, in closing, learn to love the privy.  Realize that it is part of the fabric of the faire and for goodness sake find a privy-buddy and watch out for the Privy Monster!